Let us get straight to the point: I am giving this absolute trainwreck of a movie a two out of ten for one reason, and one reason only. The screenwriters decided to pack a live-action He-Man movie with an endless barrage of dick, fisting, and head jokes. It is a wildly baffling creative choice for a Mattel property, but honestly? They were aces. The sheer audacity of those punchlines single-handedly saved this from a zero rating.

Beyond the bizarrely crude humor, this reboot is a complete disaster. It is a punishingly long movie, and I felt every single inch—I mean, minute—of the runtime. The plot is an absolute slog, and outside of the gutter-level humor, not a single other joke actually lands.

The only other genuine win here is Jared Leto. He plays Skeletor, and he actually does a solid job, mostly because his face is entirely hidden behind a skull mask and you cannot tell it is him for a single second. It is arguably his best performance in years simply because he gets to completely disappear and stop doing whatever it is Jared Leto usually does on screen.

We also have to talk about Dolph Lundgren. It is a great nod to have the 1987 He-Man pop up for a cameo as some macho gym rat, but the execution was completely terrible. It was undeniably cool to see him, but objectively shit at the same time.

Unless you have a very specific appreciation for middle-school anatomy humor sprinkled over an agonizing fantasy runtime, skip this completely.