I genuinely do not have the vocabulary to adequately describe the rollercoaster of CGI nonsense I just endured. Let’s start with the one single compliment I can offer: Julianne Moore is incredible. She commits entirely, succeeding at playing an absolute psychopath of a religious fanatic mother, and she is the sole, isolated highlight of this entire catastrophic runtime.

Everything else deserves to be shoved in a locker.

Take the iconic inciting incident. The bullies cave in a poor pig’s head with a sledgehammer and bleed it out because they think it’s cool to dump the blood on someone at prom. Are we serious? Red paint is twelve dollars at Home Depot. The sheer logistical effort of butchering livestock just to pull off a high school prank is absurd.

Then the prom massacre kicks off, and it is a disaster class in tension. The beloved Tommy Ross is killed because a metal bucket falls on his head. That’s it. Bruv, I have taken harder hits on the head from my wife. Walk it off, Tommy, you’re fine.

From there, the movie completely loses the plot. Instead of a confused, traumatized girl lashing out, Carrie suddenly turns into the Avatar, master of all four elements. She flies through the air, combusts the gymnasium with fire, cracks the actual tectonic plates of the earth to split the road open, and I’m sure someone, somewhere, drowned in a water pipe just to complete the set. What are we even watching?

The grand finale features Carrie turning the brilliant Julianne Moore into a literal kitchen-knife pincushion before pulling the house down on both of them. But not before casually using her newfound powers as a psychic ultrasound, sensing that the girl coming to save her is pregnant... with a girl.

This isn't a "good bad" movie. It is just remarkably, aggressively bad.